Monday, November 2, 2015
My demons can swim, but they like to sink.
They're tugging at my toes. They have my leg.
Maday, we're going down! I hear one scream.
They drag me down with them. It's dark and I can't see.
Where am I? Where are they taking me? I can't breathe. But they can.
There's turbulance. So much turbulance.
I'm trying to fighting back.
Where I am, or wherever we're going, it's rough.
I feel the ocean, I can taste the salt. It's all so violent.
Around me, I can feel them pulling and pinching. They're trying to pull me apart, but not completely. Just enough to keep me alive. Down and down, I'm about to drown.
I hear their muffled laughs. Their taunting whispers. All muffled, but audible.
They open their mouths. I want to scream.
Their words feel like my father's belt.
Their words feel like all my insecurities rolled up in one.
Their words feel like my peers laughing at me for still being a kid in the 7th grade.
Their words feel like you telling me that I don't feel it too.
Their words sting like salt on an open wound.
Their words feel like hell, their words feel like when you say I lie to you.
We're still going down, I still don't know our destination.
All I know is I want to go home.
All I know is I miss you.
All I know is you've become all I know, and all I want to know.
Why, why, why do I keep on writing about you?
I know I'm just a pass time to you. I know I'm temporary to you. I know you care, but it's only for a little while. Everything is only for a little while.
I'll have to find a new home soon, I'll have to figure out how to survive without you.
I'll have to prepare myself for when you leave. I'll have to prepare myself to when I become homeless, once again.
Their tugging and pulling become harsher, it's never ending.
We keep going under. I want to reach you, I want to hold your hand.
I see it, but I'm not quite there yet.
I'm already on my way down, I'm trying to reach you, but I can't.
I'm trying. I need to get home. I'm fighting back.
I need to have you. I need to hold you. I need to go home. I need to sleep. I need to eat. I need to know you're okay. I need to see your face.
I manage to reach you, I'm almost home. They keep tugging and pulling.
I can't fucking breathe. Why won't they leave me alone?
I'm already on my way down, I'm so close to air, I'm so close to you.
But I can't. I can't let them take you down with me. They can destroy me, but not my nest.
Not the only thing in this entire world that keeps me sane, that helps me rest.
I'm already on my way down, I don't know why you keep holding my hand above the surface when you know what's down there, but give me a heads up when you decide to let me drown.